One Bullet Away
by Special Agent Stace
Summary: Going back to the time when one bullet changed many lives. Kate is gone, how will Abby cope? Dark themes. Main characters so far are Abby and Tony, but there are no romantic pairings. I'll let you know if that changes.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own, just love! :) All credit goes to DPB for the original idea, the rest of the crew, and of course, the spectacular cast!

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Abby slammed the front door and locked it behind her. She set her bag down, threw her heels into the hall closet and unzipped her boots, kicking them into the middle of the entryway. She turned on the lights and saw nothing. She wasn't expecting anything, but she still began to cry. Partly from relief, that Gibbs had finally killed Ari, but mostly in grief that it had happened too late, as far as she was concerned. Mostly in grief that Kate would never walk through that front door again.

She would never trip over Abby's boots again.

Abby padded into the kitchen.

Kate would never sit on that counter and bang her heel against the cabinet again.

Abby opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.

Kate would never joke about that shelf dedicated entirely to beer again.

Abby shut her eyes, tried to think about neutral things like sofa cushions and parsley, and walked blindly out of the kitchen and down the hallway to her bedroom. She peeled off her black dress, threw it in the laundry basket, and yanked off her stockings, tearing them. She swore, threw them in the bin, and changed into her favorite grey plaid pajama pants, black tank top, black hooded sweatshirt, fluffy socks. Burying her pain under layers and layers of fabric.

The sun was going down, and she felt herself going with it. She sighed, feeling the tiny puncture mark on her hand where the thorn on the rose she had clutched for hours this afternoon had jabbed into her palm. She sat in the corner and drank her beer. She went through her last case. Without Kate around to remind Abby how to be, she had even forgotten to go grocery shopping.

When the beer and the sunlight were gone, she crawled into her coffin, smothered herself in blankets and lay there silently. She might as well have been dead too.

Sometime later she sat bolt upright. There was knocking at the door. Thinking about getting the doorbell fixed, she stumbled to answer the knocks.

It was Tony. Familiar, sturdy Tony. "Hey Abs. How you doing?" He seemed like a stranger to her.

Abby rubbed her eyes. She shrugged, looking groggy and disorientated.

"I thought you might like some company?" Tony said uncertainly. "Can I... come in?"

Abby nodded and stepped aside to let him pass. He tripped over her boots, but surprised her by moving them aside, lining them up against the wall. Like Kate used to do.

Abby locked the door again. They made their way into the living room.

Abby drew a shaky breath. "How... how are you doing?" she asked Tony. He was sitting in the armchair. She was sitting on the floor again.

Tony frowned. "I don't know." He shook his head. "Alright, I guess... considering."

Abby nodded again. Surprisingly, she was still here... probably because she hadn't been there. She was almost positive that being there, seeing it happen... it would have been the last straw.

"The funeral was, uh... nice." Tony said awkwardly. "I mean... despite... it was... y'know."

Abby nodded yet again. The way he was talking, it reminded her off a cell phone conversation with crappy reception. She only got to hear every other word, and then the phone went dead.

Since when was Tony tentative?

_'Since when did Kate die?'_ a voice inside her head shot back.

There was a silence. She cradled her right hand in her left and scraped at the puncture mark with her left thumb. "What happened?" she blurted out suddenly.

"When? What happened where?"

"I want to know what happened on the, on that rooftop." Abby said, feeling horrified with herself.

Tony was shaking his head no. "No, Abs. You don't want to know."

"I do, I'm imagining the worst things possible."

"You can't be." Tony said sadly. "You don't want to know." he repeated. "I don't want you to know."

"I need to know. Tell me, please." she begged.

"No. I don't know what's wrong with you, Abby, you're lucky you weren't there, you don't have a choice but to remember her as she lived, not as she died, and I'm not going to give you any other choice!' Tony all but yelled.

Abby stared back, her eyes watering. He was right, what the hell was wrong with her?

Tony was looking at her so intensely and then, in that one brief moment that seemed like eternity, Abby knew that he could see right to her very core. She felt awkward and uncomfortable and exposed as she squinted at the floor, panicked. She scraped viciously at the puncture mark until a piece of skin came loose, and she tore at it. What had been a hole no more than a millimeter wide had turned into an inch-long gash. She squeezed her hand into a fist.

"I'm sorry, Abby." Tony offered quietly. "I didn't mean... I just... I want to protect you from the truth, because it's fucking shitty truth."

_Life_ is fucking shitty truth, Abby thought. She unclenched her fist and Tony caught sight of her palm, stained dark red.

"You're- you're bleeding." He knew he would never look at blood again and not see Kate. "Did you do that?"

Abby ignored his question. She stood and stumbled into the kitchen.

He followed her. It made her want to cry.

He watched the water run clear from the tap, but tinted pink as it splashed into the bottom of the sink.

"I want her back." Abby rasped. Her words washed down the drain with the pink water.

Tony's hand was on her arm.

"It should have been me." she choked out.

"What?" Tony managed to whisper.

"If I hadn't been a coward, if I had brought that evidence down to Autopsy the day he- the day, Ari shot Gerald, it would have been me instead of Kate, and then maybe he would have kidnapped me instead. He might have become obsessed with me instead. He might have killed me instead. He should have... I wish he had." Abby sobbed.

Tony had her in his arms in a split second. "Oh, Abs. It's not your fault. He was a sick, psycho freak. Yeah, he was obsessed with Kate, but even if he hadn't been, that wouldn't have stopped him from watching the warehouse like he did. He had the rifle. He would have pulled that trigger on one of us no matter who. Granted, if it hadn't been Kate, it probably would have been me."

Abby choked back another sob. It came out as a low moan.

"I think that he wanted to cause Gibbs pain. I don't really know why... maybe 'cause Gibbs was the only one who ever got close enough to trick him. Close enough to kill him, even." He didn't know that he part of what he said was right. Hell, he didn't even know what he was saying at all. He just wanted so desperately to comfort Abby, but right there, at that moment, he knew that nothing he could say was going to make either of them feel better. After all, this was his loss too. But they were nowhere near ready to try and accept it.

Words failed them.

They sank to the floor together.

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Please review, whether you hated it or loved it or anything in between!


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to those who reviewed, or added me to their favorites/alerts :)

This is very much a work in progress, I don't even know where I'm going with it yet, but I do know there will be more!

Disclaimer: I don't own, just love! :)

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"You did good." Tony grinned.

Gibbs grinned as well. "For once, DiNozzo's right."

"Wow!" Kate laughed. "I thought I'd die before I ever heard-"

Tony sat bolt upright, and was confused by the contrast of the bright sky in his sleep to the dark of Abby's kitchen. He had been sprawled on the linoleum of Abby's kitchen floor, and Abby in turn was curled next to him, pinned between him and the cabinet under the sink. Suddenly his chest heaved and he knew he was going to vomit and he couldn't reach the sink for fear of stepping on Abby, so with what light there was seeping through the sheer black curtains at the window, he managed to find the trash can, and just in time.

Abby stirred. "Tony?"

Tony tried to vomit quietly.

"Is that you?"

Tony set the trash can aside and crawled back to her. "Yeah Abs, it's me."

"Tony, I had a really bad dream." Abby whimpered, sitting up. She wiped her eyes. "There was blood, all over your face, and, and... why are we on the kitchen floor?" She stood up. "Are you sick? Were we drunk?"

Tony staggered to his feet, unsure of where to start. "Uh... we fell asleep, but we weren't drunk. I was sick, just then, in your trash can. Sorry... I'll clean it up. And... your dream... it was... Kate..."

There was a moment of silence.

"She's still dead, isn't she." Abby whispered.

Tony nodded.

Abby reached out and grabbed a handful of Tony's shirt, her hand over his heart, like she was trying to ground herself. "I don't know... what I'm s'posed to do now." Abby said desperately, wrenching the fabric. "I feel... not like me. I was different before her. I was angry and alone and I didn't know who I was, and then she came along and I felt... alive. And now she's not, and I don't know how to be. And that scares me, so much." Abby was in tears again, and her hand was bleeding again. She gestured loosely around the kitchen. "I don't want to be here. Everything here reminds me of her right now."

Tony looked away from her face, to her shaking hands and the blood on his shirt and back to Abby's face. "You can come home with me." It was an answer to her unspoken question, the look on her face.

"Thank you." she whispered.

He shook his head. "No, thank _you_."

He needed someone too.

Abby cleaned up her hand and got a few things together while Tony cleaned up in the kitchen. She was just about ready to go when he knocked softly at her bedroom door.

"You ready to go?"

"Almost. Just need my bathroom stuff." Abby disappeared into her ensuite.

Tony glanced around the room. For some reason he'd always loved the way she'd painted the walls that dark purple. He noticed her old cell phone in the corner, smashed.

"So much for it being lost." he murmured. That was the excuse Abby had given him.

He looked away, only to see a photo frame lying face-down on a shelf, which he lifted.

Kate smiled up at him. He remembered that day- he'd taken that photo. They'd been goofing around in Abby's lab on a lunch break. Abby's arm was over Kate's shoulder, Kate's arm was around Abby's waist, and they leaned in towards each other with the kind of closeness only best friends have.

Tony let out a soft chuckle as he caught sight of McGee in the background with a nervous expression on his face. Gibbs had walked in a second before the flash went off.

"What's so funny?" Abby asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"Woah, that was Gibbs-like."

Abby's face fell when she saw what Tony was holding. She took the photo from him and looked at it for a moment, her bottom lip quivering, and then put it back on the shelf like it had been before. "I'm ready now." she said quietly.

"Right. Let's go."

In the car, Tony didn't say much. For the most part, he was concentrating on driving safely, it was still raining heavily. But still a part of him didn't know what to say to Abby, who was just as quiet. She hadn't even turned the radio on. Abby, to whom music was like oxygen. Who shared so much with him. And he couldn't, wouldn't return. He just didn't seem to be able to reciprocate when it came to something like this. He banged the steering wheel with the heel of his fist and hated himself for being like he was and went back to concentrating on the roads, leaving his mind to get lost somewhere behind them, on the wet, twisting streets of D.C.

"Hey Tim." Tony said quietly. He rested the phone between his head and shoulder as he wiped the already clean kitchen counter.

Abby was resting on the couch. He hoped she was sleeping. She needed it, though she would never admit to it.

"Tony, hey." McGee sounded surprised. "Uh... what's up?"

"Not much... hope I didn't wake you."

"No, I was just on the computer.

"Are you doing okay?"

McGee sighed. "Trying to keep my mind off things, I guess. And, how 'bout you?"

"I'm alright."

"Have you spoken to Abs? I tried to talk to her on the flight on the way back, but she didn't say much. And when we all got off the plane, she pretty much just took off."

Tony paused. "She was- is hurting, Tim."

"I know. But so are we, we're all hurting."

This time Tony sighed. "Yeah. I know."

"I just- oh, hang on..." There was a pause and then Tony heard McGee greet someone. "Tony, I've gotta go, my little sister's here."

"Yeah, okay."

"Tony... thanks for calling."

"No worries. See ya... Probie."

Tim hung up smiling.

Tony set the phone down and wandered over and sat on the coffee table opposite the couch across from Abby, who opened one eye.

"That was nice." she mumbled.

"Hmm?"

"Calling Timmy."

Tony shrugged. "I care about him."

"I know."

And Tony knew that she meant that. "Yeah." he cleared his throat. "Do you want something to eat? I know you probably haven't had the time to eat the past few days... there's not much at the moment... I haven't gone grocery shopping since Kate... I've had pizza every night."

Abby gasped and sat up. "No. You _didn't_."

"Yeah, I know... it wasn't so bad..."

"No, not the pizza! The note!"

"What note?"

"The note, the grocery shopping note! It was in the trash can in the kitchen!"

"Your... shopping list?" Tony looked bewildered.

"She wrote me that note and I threw it in the trash, and you had to go get sick all over it!"

"Abs, slow down!" Tony reached over and touched her hand, but she jerked it away from him.

"Kate... she left me a note, saying go grocery shopping, there was a smiley face on it and everything, and I threw it out the night... that night, because I thought she'd come over and remind me-"

"And I threw up in the trash." Tony said slowly. "Abs, I'm sorry... I didn't know..."

"You ruined it." Abby sobbed. "It was all I had left of her."

"That's not true, Abs." Tony said quietly.

"What would you know? She was _my _best friend, not yours! She didn't even _like_ you!" Abby screamed. "All you ever did was piss her off and you didn't even _care_, you just kept doing it!"

Abby started crying so hard that at first she wasn't even making a sound. Then it hit. Sobs racked her entire body and she gulped and heaved and screeched while Tony sat there frozen, his hand still outstretched.

His heart was beating frantically. What was he supposed do do? Say?

Abby looked up at him, her face a picture of pure pain. "She meant a world to me, and now it's gone. Why don't we tell people we love them before it's too late?"

"I can't do this." Tony choked. He stood and aimed himself in the direction of his bedroom, managed to make it to his ensuite before he began sobbing. He yanked off his clothes and stepped into the shower and turned on the water, and when it was as hot as he could stand, he crouched under it, letting it hit him, letting it scorch his skin. It hurt and he deserved it. Eventually he got out, dried himself off a bit, pulled on a pair of pyjama pants and crawled into his bed. He lay there exhausted, not able to sleep, but not able to forget.

He didn't know how much later it was when he became aware of someone near him.

"Tony?"

"Abs."

And before either of them could give it another thought, she had slipped into bed beside him.

"I'm so sorry." Abby whispered, her voice still ragged from crying. "I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean it."

Tony pressed his face into the pillow, uncomfortable with all the emotion. This was bigger than anything he'd ever gone through. Sure, he'd lost team mates before. It was part of the job, the worst part. But he'd always been left to deal with it alone, and he was fine with that. It was just the way he was. "I know you didn't mean it." He finally said. And he did know.

"So what is it?"

"What's what?"

"I can just tell, there's something else."

Tony bit his lip. "Abs... when you're around I can't... hide."

"Hide?"

"I can't hide behind sarcasm or humor or any of that crap I pull." he whispered, ashamed.

Abby cuddled up to him Tony, put her arm around his shoulder. "You don't need to."

Tony sighed. "I don't think I'm a good person to grieve with."

The air fell silent but for their breathing.

"I think you are." Abby said, and kissed his neck.

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Please review... I'm all for freedom of speech!


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to those who reviewed, or added me to their favorites/alerts.

I'm really sorry I took so long to update, but I've been really busy, blah blah blah and I just turned 19! :)

Disclaimer: I don't own, just love! :)

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Tony felt the nausea rising hot in his throat, but choked it back, knowing it had to be mental. He had nothing to throw up this time. Awaking from the same nightmare twice within one night was easier the second time around, but he hoped he wasn't gonna need to get used to it. He gulped and tried to calm himself down, and realized he couldn't feel the warmth of Abby next to him. Stretching out his arm, he found nothing but cold sheets where she had been hours ago. Or whenever it had been. He'd lost all track of time.

"Abs?" He fumbled for the lamp on his bedside table and clicked it on. The glow showed just what he'd felt, an empty bed. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stumbled quickly out to the kitchen, where he discovered Abby up to her elbows in flour and God knows what else.

"Abs?" Tony said again.

She whipped her head around. "Tony! Don't sneak up on me like that! You scared me half to- you scared me."

"Sorry. What are you doing?"

"Baking." Abby said, her voice cheerful though her eyes were red from crying. Just then, the oven timer pinged. "The cupcakes are ready!" She stepped over to the oven and opened it, taking a deep breath. "Mmm." She grabbed the tray.

"Jesus Christ Abby!" Tony shouted.

Abby dropped the tray and froze. "What?" she whispered, cupcakes rolling around her feet.

"You aren't even wearing oven mitts!" Tony darted towards her.

Abby glanced down.

"Quick, the sink!" Tony pushed her forwards and turned the taps on so that they were running cool water. "Okay."

Abby obediently stuck her hands under the water and let it wash over her burnt hands.

She didn't complain once.

"Yeah... yeah, alright. Thanks so much Duck. Okay... good night." Tony hung up the phone and turned to a guilty looking Abby. "Ducky said that it sounds as if you've only got a first-degree burn, only 'cause you dropped the tray so quickly. He said to apply an ibuprofen or... acetaminophen, which, and you're in luck, I happen to have." Tony rushed off and came back carrying a tube. "One of my girlfriends burnt her hand on her hair straightener curler crimper hiaku-writing thing." he explained, squeezing it onto Abby's hands. She rubbed it in, still not complaining of any pain.

"If the pain gets worse, let me know, 'cause we'll have to contact a physician. Or 911."

"I'm fine." Abby sat on the couch.

"Abs... I know you aren't. And I'm not surprised. I don't expect you to be." Tony said softly, sitting on the coffee table again.

Abby was still. "I am."

"So what were you doing baking at four in the morning?"

Abby shrugged slightly. "Seems like all we've done is slept. I'm sick of sleeping." She sprang up, nearly whacking Tony in the face, and headed towards the front door of Tony's apartment. "I think I'll go for a nice morning run."

Tony jumped up and ran after her, but she was already disappearing down the stairs. It took all of thirty seconds for him to get into the elevator and reach the first floor, as no-one else was travelling in the car given the ridiculous hour.

He waited and waited at the bottom of the stairs for Abby, but she didn't appear. Maybe she'd given up on the stairs, and taken the elevator. Maybe she'd gone back to his place.

"Hey Harry..." Tony called, approaching the night guard at the front desk. "Harry!"

The older man's eyes snapped open. "What the heck are you shoutin' about at this hour?"

"If Abby comes down, don't let her leave the building."

Harry nodded. "Sure." He knew Abby from her frequent visits to Tony. "Uh... is everything alright?"

Tony glanced towards the stairs. "No..." He turned back. "No, Harry, it's not. Watch out for her, please."

"Will do." Harry liked Abby. She always brought him coffee and made time to stop and chat. "She's a good girl."

"I know." Tony said. With that, he began taking the stairs two at a time. A couple of floors up he turned the corner and spotted Abby, curled on a step, her knees drawn to her chest, hands wrapped around them. Chin resting on her knees. In her pyjamas and fluffy socks.

"Hey."

Abby looked up.

"Thought you were going running. Last time I checked, that involved actual movement, and you're not-"

"Tony... please."

"Please what? Take care of you?" Tony scoffed. "I'm trying, but I'm not looking forward to the concussion Gibbs'll have in store for me when he sees that I left you sitting in the stairwell of my apartment building at four in the morning. Abs, you're a mess."

"I'm fine." she repeated.

"Come back up."

She shook her head.

"Do I have to pick you up and carry you? 'Cause you know I will."

Abby glared. "I want to be alone, why is that so hard for you to understand?!"

Suddenly something shiny and silver fell from her hands and tumbled down a few steps and came to rest between them.

Tony focused his vision on the nail scissors. "Giving yourself a manicure?" He grabbed the offending object and fixed his gaze on her.

"Don't." she pleaded. "Just don't." She rose and Tony followed her back up to his apartment. He took his time locking the door before turning to face her. He had the delicate scissors looped around a finger, which he was pointing at Abby. She seemed to shrink against the wall.

"So, wanna tell me what you had in mind for these?"

Abby began shaking her head again while he continued to talk.

"Look, I know this is hard. All of it, for everyone. But I want to take care of you, Abs, and how can I do that when you just keep finding ways to hurt? I can get rid of these-" he swung the scissors around a couple of times- "but if you were gonna use them for what I think you were, than it won't do a whole lot of good." Tony paused, taking a deep breath. He saw the broken look on Abby's face, her scalded hands. The guilt in his gut kept rising, but it didn't stop him. "What am I s'posed to do now, huh? Tell me that, 'cause I'm sure as hell out of ideas."

Abby turned to face the window, pushing the curtain aside a little bit. It was still dark outside. "I don't want to talk about this now."

"You won't wanna talk about it later either."

Abby watched the rain streaking down the glass, like bleeding diamonds.

"Will you?"

Down, down... just melting away. Abby closed her eyes briefly and began to speak, anger creeping into her voice. "No. Alright? No, I won't. There. Are you happy?"

Tony studied her. She was slumped forwards, her forehead pressed against the cold glass. "Are you?"

"No. But under the circumstances I assumed that'd be an acceptable answer." Abby shot back.

"Give me a better one."

Abby took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm so sick of this. I just want it to stop."

"Me too. This feels like Friends, when Rachel finds out Ross slept with the copy girl and they stay up half the night fighting... I don't _want _us to fight."

Abby banged her head gently against the glass. "Me either."

"Then let's just... cool off, okay. Let's get some frozen yoghurt, or something." Tony joked. He turned and walked into the kitchen. "How 'bout some hot chocolate?"

Abby sighed. "Oh Tony. You so missed the point there." she whispered, her breath clouding on the window. She raised her voice and called out "Great."

Tony smiled slightly. He was back in a more comfortable place. "Marshmallows?" He didn't hear a reply. "Abs?" He grabbed the bag and the two full mugs, heading back to the living room. "You love marshmall-oh my god." Everything in his hands fell to the floor. Hot chocolate splashed everywhere, but that was the last thing on his mind.

He stared out the window.

At Abby.

Climbing onto the wall of his balcony.

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Sorry that was so short, I absolutely promise the next one will be longer!

How 'bout... new chapter if the amount of reviews is closer to 20 than 10? Please? :)


	4. Chapter 4

My sincerest apologies for the almost year-long wait (God, has it really been that long?).

Hopefully this doesn't disappoint those of you who still want to read it. Thank-you to those who do. It means a lot to me.  
I'll spare you my excuses and get on with it!

Disclaimer: Being sued is not one of my favorite activities.

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A bolt of lightning split the sky in half, turning it white quicker than you could blink. But Tony wasn't blinking, he wasn't even moving. Was he paralyzed? Was-

"Abby." he choked.

Tony swallowed, wondering why the fuck he lived there, why didn't he live in a nice... one story house. The balcony was just like Monica's in Friends. He sympathized with the gang, always having to climb in and out of the window-

The window.

He forced himself to walk towards it, towards Abby, climbing carefully through it and stepping out into the rain.

"Abby?"

"Oh, hey Tony." Abby replied, as casually if he had just entered her lab, to find her standing in front of her computer- not his own eighth-floor balcony, to find her standing on the edge.

"Wh- I- what? Abby..."

Tony stepped towards her, and she moved her shoulders backwards. This caused her to sway, and Tony's stomach to lurch. "Abby, please get down."

"I'm fine."

"Do you not realise what you're doing?!"

"I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm dreaming." Abby informed him calmly. "It's alright. I knew there had to be an explanation for everything that's happened. Don't be scared. I'm not."

"Abby listen to me, come here right now. This is real, you are not dreaming, if you disappear from my sight I will lose you and I can't do that, please get down." Tony begged, his tears and rain running down his cheeks.

"I can't. I'm sorry." Abby smiled serenely, and turned.

As soon as she had, Tony darted as quick as the lightning towards her. He reached out and grabbed a handful of her flannel pajama pants.

It was just enough to change the direction of her fall.

He stared down at Abby, who groaned. "Abs." Tony finally breathed. He carried her inside, both soaking wet, wondering what to do next. He took her to his bedroom and placed her on the bed. Her normally porcelain skin was the whitest he'd ever seen it. Grabbing his cell phone from the bedside table he pressed 1 on his speed dial and then immediately flipped the phone shut. He wasn't going to call Gibbs this time, turn his responsibility over to his boss without a second thought. This was his second thought. His third was that he was shivering and more importantly, so was Abby, so he scooped her up and carried her into the bathroom.

"I'm going to run you a warm bath, okay?" He set her on the floor, away from his sink cabinet containing sharp objects, still wary of her intentions- and rightly so. He poured bath gel into the water under the faucet and when it was filled, he turned back.

"You gonna undress yourself or am I?" he asked, hoping it hadn't come out the wrong way.

She finally lifted her arms up like a child.

Tony gently removed her sweater and tank top. He saw three long, white scars on her stomach. And for the first time since he'd known her, he caught sight of what was normally covered by leather cuffs- a row of three neat scars running across each wrist.

Stunned, he helped her stand and get out of her pants so she was standing there in her underwear, wet hair dripping on the floor. It was then he saw the haphazard networks of scars crisscrossing her far upper thighs. Some were faded, others were more apparent, but the difference in comparison to her wrists and even her stomach was incredible- there was no order here, no pattern. It was chaotic.

Why hadn't it occurred to him that she'd done this long before Kate's death?

He helped her out of her underwear and into the tub, began to shampoo her hair. She didn't speak, or make any voluntary movements.

As he finished washing her hair she finally stopped shivering. He helped her out again, and wrapped her in a big, soft towel, drying her off.

Then he got her a shirt and a pair of sweatpants to wear and tucked her into his bed, turning the heat up a little so she wouldn't catch cold.

Climbing in beside her, he settled down and finally asked, "How long has this been happening?"

She traced the orderly pattern of blue, brown and cream stripes on his quilt cover with a finger for a long moment before finally replying, "Years." Sensing Tony wasn't yet satisfied; she added "I was fourteen."

"Fourteen? Jesus Christ, Abs."

"I was always the strange one, even when I was a kid. All of the girls I knew played with stuffed animals, but I had a detective kit. And when we all got Barbies? Forget fashion shows and tea parties, I'd have mini crime scenes goin' on, complete with my own customised dolls. My parents always wondered why we went through so much ketchup."

Tony smiled. He knew that when she was young, she used to sneak into the auto yard at night and look at all the wrecked cars.

"But the other kids never gave me a hard time. I chose to play my own games, and if that meant I was alone I rarely minded. I could have everything set up the way that I wanted it, and no-one ever wrecked my stuff, with the exception of my little brother. I would play for hours, even as I got older. And I played my music as loud as I wanted since my parents couldn't tick me off. I loved it. I was happy.

It wasn't 'til high school I started getting picked on. Apparently wearing Doc Martens on the first day was a bad move, as was the fact that I'd gotten my first job working in the local funeral home."

Abby took a deep breath. "After months of taunting and getting shoved into lockers by the popular girls, they invited me to one of their parties. Of course I was dumb and naive and thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to befriend them. I got dressed up like they always did, and went to the party. It was actually kind of fun at first. I got tipsy and was in the kitchen having a drink when one of the girls came in. She spoke to me about nothing in particular for a few minutes before saying, Abby, I really like you. I think I want to kiss you. And I was surprised, 'cause yeah, I'd thought about how pretty girls were before, but I'd never kissed one and thought it couldn't hurt to try. So I replied, I want to kiss you too, and I leaned in- when suddenly the door flew open and in ran the girls, laughing and screaming. One of them was holding a video camera. I ran home, straight to my room, and collapsed in hysterics. I wrapped a braided belt around my neck and pulled and pulled until all I saw was black with colored spots and I passed out on the floor.

When I went to school on Monday, with a red mark around my neck, I could hear everyone whispering and giggling as I went to my locker. Someone had scrawled "GOTH DYKE" across the door. I started to cry quietly and clean it off but the girl who'd tricked me appeared at my side, informing me that it was my label and it had to stay there. She shoved me back, and I hit my head on an open locker door. I remember the only thing that got me through everybody surrounding us, pointing and laughing, was the pain. I focused on it, pushed calmly through the crowd and walked out of school, again straight home and to my room, where I used a big sewing needle to scratch the word GOTH into one thigh and DYKE into the other.

For four years I was a social outcast. I had no true friends- but I believed that I'd found something a million times better. I'd cut my thighs constantly with anything I could get my hands on, occasionally I'd cut my wrists. I was careful to keep that neat, so I could cover it with wrist bands. At one point, I cut them both so bad they needed stitches, but I didn't get any. My parents never found out, I spend the night applying pressure and now looking back, I was lucky to live. They didn't heal well. And a few times I cut my stomach. Somehow it got me through school, I know it sounds cliche but it helped me feel like I had control over my life. I graduated, went to college- and I loved it, I knew I'd found my thing. Triple Major at LSU--Sociology, Criminology and Psychology. Graduated with full honors. Then I went on to earn my Master's Degree from Georgia State University in Criminology and Forensic Science. Graduated with honors. I worked in a bunch of labs before I applied at NCIS. I came here and I hadn't looked back... until I met Kate."

* * *

I struggled so long with the concept of her throwing her off the edge, but... no. Just no. Plus it would have had to be A/U & I'm not so good at that...

Anyways. I know I don't exactly deserve reviews, but I'll listen to anything you guys have to say. There are probably mistakes- I'm lying in bed, complete with a fever :\

Again I am sorry!

-Stace


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you: to those of you who have stuck with the story so far, and especially to those of you who reviewed- especially to LoveAndSerenity.

Sorry: again, for the huge wait... but I actually have an excuse this time- we're in the process of selling our house.

Disclaimer: Clearly I do _not _own NCIS :\

* * *

"There was something about her that stirred my memory." Abby continued quietly, scratching absently at her left wrist.

"I just couldn't put my finger on it and it was driving me insane trying. A week after Kate officially became part of our team, I got off work, I drove to my tattoo shop. I parked and just sat in my car in the parking lot. I wanted a tattoo but I couldn't think properly about what I wanted or anything. And then I finally figured it out."

"What did you choose?" Tony asked softly.

Abby shook her head. "Not about the tattoo. About Kate. I know, it sounds stupid and pathetic, but she looked like an older version of that girl from high school. It shocked me, I guess I'd been repressing the memory of her face, and it scared me. The way I liked Kate, trusted her straight away, it was just like the way I'd liked and trusted Brianna that night.

I was just sitting there in my car, and I felt suffocated. I got out a blade. I knew, right before I did it, that it would be bad." Abby turned her palms to the ceiling. "I went there to get a tattoo and ended up having to go in and get stitches."

"Every time I looked at Kate, I saw the eyes of all the girls who made four years of my life hell. It took me awhile to get used to it... but I didn't stop cutting."

Tony sat up a little straighter. He had a sudden fleeting thought, a distant memory.

The two of them messing around in her lab one day at work, he'd grabbed Abby's arm to pull her towards him, only for her to flinch and gasp. Nothing was wrong, she protested with a laugh. He must be stronger than he thought.

He'd seen the way she'd twirl scissors on her fingers, like it was a game.

The time she told him she was covered in scratches because she'd fallen drunk into a rose bush. How could he have believed that one? Well, that wasn't completely unbelievable, but even so... he was a trained investigator, yet he'd missed this. "I'm sorry that I didn't figure it out."

Abby glared. "Don't you dare be sorry, Tony. I've tried so hard to hide it. Gibbs doesn't even know."

"About..."

"The cutting."

Tony thought for a moment. While he may not have found out about the cutting, there was no way Abby could have flown under Gibbs' radar completely.

"Did you ever take anti-depressants?"

Abby sighed. "Mm, not long after Kate came. The doc put me on all sorts of shit. I didn't feel depressed, but I didn't feel anything else either. It got to point where I just stopped taking anything, because I was beyond sick of being emotionless and completely uninterested in anything. I was spacey and indifferent to anything going on around me. It didn't make me happy, it just made me not care. And I know it sounds hard to believe, but feeling pain is better than feeling nothing."

Abby fell into a silence, as did Tony, who was obviously trying to process all she'd said.

Thunder sounded, startling them both. They'd almost forgotten the raging storm outside.

"Abs, If I hadn't found you out there... would you have jumped?"

Abby held Tony's gaze. "I guess we'll never know."

Not half an hour later, Abby was out of bed and insisting she was good to go home. Much to her displeasure, Tony wouldn't let her out of his apartment- or his sight. Eventually he managed to coax her back to bed, and even later still she finally fell asleep in his arms.

He reached up and slowly stroked her hair. He felt so terribly sad for her that his chest was aching, although he was still in a state of shock. He was also extremely tired- but he fought sleep all night, until his cell rang at 0800.

Tony grabbed it off his nightstand and checked the caller ID.

"Hey Boss." he mumbled.

"You sound like hell."

"I know. I've been up all night. And no, not with some skirt I picked up in a college bar, with Abby." Tony untangled himself from her as he spoke, and made his way into the hall.

"How is she?" asked Gibbs.

"She's sleeping."

"DiNozzo..."

Tony ran a hand through his hair. "She's alright, for now. But I didn't want her to be alone."

"She needs something to focus on right now." Gibbs told him. "Wake her. I'll pick her up in half an hour."

"I'll just bring her in, boss. I've got some stuff to do-"

"No... no, Tony, the only thing you've gotta do today is look after yourself." Gibbs said gruffly. "Make sure you both eat something, and I'll bring her a Caf-Pow."

There was clearly no point in arguing with Leroy Jethro Gibbs. "Okay Boss. Should probably stop by her place after you get her, I'm sure she'll want some clean clothes."

"Okay."

They hung up.

Tony walked quietly towards the kitchen, thinking. As far as Gibbs knew right now, she was grieving for Kate. Hard, but only for Kate.

He grabbed a package of Abby's favorite waffles from the freezer and stuck them in the microwave to defrost, and cut up a couple of red apples. As far as breakfast went, he knew it wasn't too healthy, but he hadn't thought of buying fresh groceries in days so it would have to do. He'd ask Gibbs to make sure that when lunchtime came Abby got one of those tofu-veggie wrap abominations that she and Kate loved so much.

When the waffles were ready, he buttered them and fixed up two plates with the apple slices, and carried them to his room. He gently woke Abby up, explained the new plans for the morning, and in a few minutes she was nibbling away quietly.

By the time Gibbs came she was up and showered, but not her usual bubbly self. Gibbs hugged her and handed her a Caf-Pow, and then held her at arms length.

Tony noticed that she couldn't look him in the eye. In turn, Gibbs turned and looked to Tony. It was one of his 'what aren't you telling me' stares, but he couldn't betray Abby's confidence- and he could only hope that she wouldn't betray his by doing something horrible to herself once she was out of his sight. He simply asked Gibbs to get her a healthy lunch, and hugged her extra tightly. For Tony to voluntarily hug someone, particularly Abby, wasn't completely off-kilter. But when she drew back first, and saw the pleading look he was giving her, it made her feel guilty. He had been trying so hard. She held his elbow and nodded to him, hoping he would understand all the things she couldn't say right then. He nodded back to show her that he did.

Gibbs hovered tactfully at the front door with his back turned, letting them have this moment, and then they were gone.

Tony went straight to bed.

* * *

This time next week the auction will be over! Fingers crossed that it all goes well- and then I'll hopefully have more time to write!


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